Did we really Legislatively Assemble here for these jokes?

ANGELICA TRIPODI

The SPEAKER: I am advised that yesterday the Minister for Finance, Minister for Infrastructure, Minister for Regulatory Reform, and Minister for Ports and Waterways became the father of a baby girl. I am told that Angelica Tripodi was a healthy 3.6 kilograms at birth and that she and her mother, Maria, are both doing well. I am sure the House will join with me in congratulating the Minister on the new addition to his family.

Mr Chris Hartcher: And his wife, who did all the hard work!

The SPEAKER: That is a very good interjection.

Parliamentary profoundness - NSW Hansard once more

There is a deep truth here.

Mr Ian Cohen: "Dr Chopra alerted me to the fact that the food that Australia exports to the European Union has to conform to much higher standards than our own, so we produce two lots of food: food that is too good for Australians and food that is not good enough for Europeans".

Indeed. Thank you Ian.

Best of Hansard LC Edition 4 June

Ah, love across the barricades....


Ms Lee Rhiannon: I lived on a dairy farm too. You live at Redfern.

The Hon. DUNCAN GAY: I acknowledge for the record that Ms Lee Rhiannon has dairy farming in her history. There we were in the negotiating room. She has the belief that intensive agriculture should not go ahead and I am of the view that we should have proper intensive agriculture. She has the belief that there should not be mining anywhere in the State and I hold the belief that mining is an important part of the State and should be included.

Reverend the Hon. Dr Gordon Moyes: You make a lovely couple.

Hansard - Identifying possible hyperbole

Re: The Inner West Busway:

12 May 2009, Legislative Council

The Hon. HELEN WESTWOOD [2.52 p.m.]: This project is possibly the most transparent in the history of the Government. When I say "the history of the Government" I am talking as far back as the ancient Greeks!

Best of Hansard - Pynchonesque Incidents

Can anyone actually work out what is going on here? I am starting to think it is some kind of code used by our political overlords to conceal their evil plans. Or perhaps they are all slightly mad? The following discussion occurred in the context of a bill changing regulations in the racing industry on 7 May 09.

Mr PAUL GIBSON: Racing is a great panacea. Looking back at the history of racing—and I was not born then; I am not that old—during the Depression, for example, there were the largest crowds ever on racetracks anywhere. People went to the racetracks not only to put a few bob on and try to back a winner; they went there with the hope of forgetting the problems of the day. They went to the track because it was fairly cheap entertainment. It was a very important part of the panacea process that followed on from the Depression and the war. I first started looking at and wondering about racing when I was a young boy in Young.

Mr Kevin Greene: Is that Lambing Flat?

The boy from Young: "I come from Young, a pretty town up near the Riverina. They grow their cherries by the pound and sell them for a deener." I have never forgotten that. In my early years in Young there was a fellow by the name of Ernie Batnich, who had a cherry orchard. Ernie had a greyhound called Happy Banquet. Happy Banquet was a happy banquet to a lot of people in Young. Not only did he win on the country tracks—

Mr George Souris: They ate it.

Mr PAUL GIBSON: No, they didn't eat it; he ate them. They brought Happy Banquet to Sydney and it was one of the best greyhounds to race in this nation. I have never forgotten it. After that Ernie's mate had a dog called Macaroona. I will never forget Macaroona either—one of the fastest dogs this nation has ever laid eyes on.

Mr Peter Draper: What about Chief Havoc?

Mr PAUL GIBSON: Yes, Chief Havoc. There have been a lot of them. At the moment we have a horse called Takeover Tiger and it has won over $6 million in prize money. Joe Jaknic is the owner-trainer of it. He bought the horse for virtually nothing.

More moments from Hansard - NOM

Notices of Motion can not only be abbreviated to NOM. And they are even more funny:

297 Mr AMERY to move—

That this House:

(1) Notes the victory of English Championship side, Burnley, over Premiership side Arsenal in the

quarter final of the Carling Cup.

(2) Notes that this upset win was the third win against a Premiership side by the Burnley team in this

competition.

(3) Notes that this result sends a message to the New South Wales Opposition that being odds on

favourite does not guarantee future success.

(Notice given 4 December 2008)

Inside jokes #2

Enjoy the following email exchange from 09 April regarding comments on News.com.au posts (very shallow end of the gene pool kind of stuff):

RvL:
Why not set BOTH long term and short term interest rate to 0%??? I mean,
seriously, this would mean cheaper borrowing for EVERYONE!!


WHY NOT INDEED CVM.

CVM:
I don't know, I'm not very good with numbers as at school I was taught
using the whole language approach by politically-correct postmodernists.

RvL:
HAAAAAAA.

The interest rate cut which is not one (per cent).

Best of Hansard - Friday 3rd April 09

BELROSE WASTE DISPOSAL FACILITY

Mr JONATHAN O'DEA (Davidson) [12.17 p.m.]: So much of life is about interfaces. Interfaces cause wars, interfaces are present at the G20 summit in London this week, interfaces are caused where the city meets the bush and where suburbia meets industry. In Belrose we have a continuing interface where suburbia meets WSN Environmental Solutions, which brings the various effects of a garbage tip into suburbia.

Appalling French Humour

This chain mail is too good not to save it here for posterity..


La France est gouvernée par un super héros.
Que dis-je, nous sommes gouvernés par LE Super Héros.

D'ailleurs, en pleine tempête, il s'est envolé secrètement pour Bagdad accomplir une mission plus secrète encore à bord de son Air Force Ouane à 300 millions d'€.

Ne jamais oublier donc :
- Nicolas Sarkozy a sauvé Alstom et il a libéré Ingrid Betancourt.
- Nicolas Sarkozy peut encercler ses ennemis. Tout seul.
- Quand Nicolas Sarkozy pisse face au vent, le vent change de direction.
- Nicolas Sarkozy peut claquer une porte fermée...
- Nicolas Sarkozy a déjà compté jusqu'à l'infini. Deux fois.
- Certaines personnes portent un pyjama Superman. Superman porte un pyjama Nicolas Sarkozy.
- Jésus Christ est né en 1955 avant Nicolas Sarkozy.
- Nicolas Sarkozy ne porte pas de montre. Il décide de l'heure qu'il est.
- Nicolas Sarkozy peut diviser par zéro.
- Dieu a dit: "que la lumière soit !" Et Nicolas Sarkozy répondit: "On dit s'il vous plaît".
- La seule chose qui arrive à la cheville de Nicolas Sarkozy. c'est sa chaussette.
- Quand Google ne trouve pas quelque chose, il demande à Nicolas Sarkozy.
- Nicolas Sarkozy fait pleurer les oignons.
- Les Suisses ne sont pas neutres, ils attendent de savoir de quel coté Nicolas Sarkozy se situe.
- Pour certains hommes le testicule gauche est plus large que le testicule droit. Chez Nicolas Sarkozy, chaque testicule est plus large que l'autre.
- Nicolas Sarkozy sait parler le braille.
- Il n'y a pas de théorie de l'évolution. Juste une liste d'espèces que Nicolas Sarkozy autorise à survivre.
- Nicolas Sarkozy et Superman ont fait un bras de fer, le perdant devait mettre son slip par dessus son pantalon.
- Un jour, au restaurant, Nicolas Sarkozy a commandé un steak. Et le steak a obéi.
- Nicolas Sarkozy a un jour avalé un paquet entier de somnifères. Il a cligné des yeux.
- Nicolas Sarkozy mesure son pouls sur l'échelle de Richter.
- Nicolas Sarkozy connaît la dernière décimale de Pi.
- Nicolas Sarkozy peut taguer le mur du son.
- Quand la tartine de Nicolas Sarkozy tombe, la confiture change de côté.
- Dieu voulait créer l'univers en 10 jours. Nicolas Sarkozy lui en a donné 6.
- Nicolas Sarkozy est capable de laisser un message avant le bip sonore.
- Une larme de Nicolas Sarkozy peut guérir du cancer, malheureusement Nicolas Sarkozy ne pleure pas.
- Quand Nicolas Sarkozy passe devant un miroir, il n'y a pas de reflet: il n'y a qu'un seul Nicolas Sarkozy.
- Si Nicolas Sarkozy dort avec une lampe allumée, ce n'est pas parce qu'il a peur du noir mais parce que le noir a peur de lui.
- Le calendrier de Nicolas Sarkozy passe du 31 mars au 2 avril. ... Personne ne fait de blague à Nicolas Sarkozy.

Ayn Rand? You've been pwned

Helen Mirren - the real reason young people have low self-esteem

I am never going to be as cool as Helen Mirren. Or look that good in a bikini when I grow up. But at least she makes me laugh:

Interviewer: Why did you choose to star in the soft porn cult classic Caligula, in which you danced in a cone bra?
Helen Mirren: It was an irresistible mix of art and genitals.

Guy Rundle's finest hour (and ours too maybe)

Guy's article for Crikey today is the most marvellous and moving summation of what just happened in America than anything else in the incredibly vast pool of marvellous and moving material that is out there. Read it all the way, you'll thank me. And then I will stop writing about Obama. Maybe with the exception of something on inauguration day..

Rundle08: Tears and laughter. This is what Obama means

From Washington DC, US correspondent Guy Rundle writes:

These are the days of tears and laughter. Up mid-afternoon after filing for UK media at 7am, light pushing past the curtains. After the result was declared last night and Barack Obama gave his speech, we all headed down to the White House, where a street party had been brewing since McCain had commenced his concession speech. The city which had given Obama a 93% to 7% victory was going wild. Along the broad avenues -- spokes in a wheel, an expression of the enlightenment worship of the pure form of the circle, written down in town planning -- people were hanging out of cars shooting, sounding their horns. Cops stood at each intersection, inscrutable.

People hugged each other spontaneously in the street, shook hands, slapped palms, black and white and brown and yellow. Everyone was gentle with each other, everyone was kind. Even the occasional disconsolate Republican -- you could see them , the young men and women who work at thinktanks, the boys in blue suits and red ties, the girls in black dresses and pearls, walking, no marching, hand-in-hand, eyes fixed ahead, desperate for a cab to levitate them out of this hell-hole.

If they had any sense they've already put together the survival kit -- the stack of DVDs, a half dozen big books you wanted to read, the single malt and the smooth merlot, a few lines of china white, maybe a holiday in some awful all-in resort at Hilton Head. Pull the cable out the back of the TV, smack the laptop sharply against the wall, and swim into the embracing waters of the timeless imaginary. Emerge a week or two later when President-elect Obama -- PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA! -- has already announced his core staff, outlined a bunch of policies, set the course for the next year. A fortnight or so of chasing the dragon and Lord of the Rings and World of Warcraft, and you can emerge at least partially restored to face at least the next four years ahead.

God knows the left has done it often enough.

Outside the White House last night there were the young, there were old black women, in pan-Africa scarves and Sunday-best hats dancing a war-jig, there were old hippies, there were gay couples holding each other singing the Star Spangled Banner, there were drums and songs, and a sign hung on the wire fence with a photo of the Obamas' daughters, saying "Mali and Sasha, welcome home" -- and think about that for a while and what it means.

At 2am I ran into Alex Kelly, an old comrade I'd first met at S11, that moment in 2000 when Melbourne rose up and challenged the World Economic Forum, the most-effective -- Seattle included -- challenge to these series of slick elite meetings to date in the anti-globalisation movement. S11 -- September 11th 2000 -- was swallowed in history by what happened a year later.

But it felt like a direct line from there to here. As the anti-globalisation movement had, as it always would, fallen apart, I had gone West to London, and Alex had gone north and taken up the harder yards of working in, with, at the frontier of, indigenous Australia, out of, I think, a sense of absolute responsibility to battles close to home, battles most of us simply couldn't hack.

Seeing her there felt like the completion of a passage, through dangerous waters, over a decade, and I hugged her tight enough to break her ribcage. It was the relief of possibility, of renewed hope.

On TV, in the streets, people kept breaking into tears. Colin Powell, on a TV interview could barely continue, Jack Garretty an old newsman on CNN who lost his wife eight weeks ago, had to turn his face sideways and spit out a conclusion to his segment before he fell apart. Condoleezza Rice teared up. Even Dubya in a White House lawn speech seemed struck by the moment.

I lost it this morning, after filing the last article and radio interview, and staggering down to the lobby for a coffee and some ice. DeShaya, a young black woman who'd been on the desk when I'd checked in, was on there for the graveyard shift. We'd traded insults over my routinely screwed up reservation -- this is the US after all -- and then bitched together about the inadequacies of the booking company. She was at the end of her 12-hour shift because thats how you work in Bush's America -- and I was at the end of it all, and mutually wreathed in exhaustion and relief, we just held hands and wept for a minute or so, in happiness, in relief, in the victory of something larger than both of us, that contained both of us.

But I wouldn't mention it if it were unusual. All over the city, the Rome of the twentieth century, the Capitol monument and the Dome on the horizon wherever you look, people were doing the same.

Tears and smiles, in the street, in the Starbucks, in the metro station. No-one is ashamed of their emotions, of this release, of this vulnerability to others in a city where, othertimes and even now, you would want to watch your back.

Let's be clear about what this victory means, and why it means so much. It is not simply the victory of a black man as President. A Colin Powell becoming the new Republican Eisenhower of 2008 would not arouse a hundredth of this enthusiasm. Nor is it a victory of the left. A Dennis Kucinich, by some bizarre cosmic accident, becoming President would not arouse this level of passion.

What makes it powerful is that it is a victory of the global left in the incarnation of a black American, that it is a double blow to power and skin-privilege. Will President Obama be a programmatically radical leader? Of course not. But will he be a shivering neurotic Jesus-freak sycophant like Tony Blair? No, equally.

His achievement before anything has occurred is this: that every vector of power -- money, race, media -- has been defeated in the US, the declining but still regnant capitol of the world. That what won was the idea of wisdom, judgement, intelligence, prudence and audacity, conservatism and radicalism, a measuring up to the demands of the world. That, as opposed to past Democratic campaigns, this was not a party machine insider -- a Tennessee grandee or a billionairess's husband -- presenting themselves as the least-worst option.

It was someone who, by his own account, had come through the world of the radical left, of radical black action, to the realisation that any change in America had to come not against its traditions, but within them, and who therefore drew on the strengths of every residual radical and progressive notion of this one-time revolutionary society. It was an achievement, but it was also a channelling in to a deeper moment of historical shift.

In the USA this has been greeted, even by conservatives, as a historic transcendent moment. Why? I am reminded of the Jorge Luis Borges essay about Buenos Aires during 1940, when it looked like the Nazis -- who had a lot of support in Argentina out of hatred of British imperialism – would win. Borges, a resolute anti-Nazi, was visited by an Axis supporter.

"France has fallen," he said, "nothing can stop them now!" And then Borges notes:"I realised he was as terrified as I was".

In other words -- and am I not breaking Godwin's law -- there are moments in politics when, on one side, no-one really wants to win. That was the curse of the McCain campaign. Deep down they knew that McCain's moment was 2000, and that it had passes. But they kept going, against a historical moment which, deep deep down, most of them -- and that may well include John McCain himself -- wanted to happen, and, deep deep down, did not want to stand in the way of.

For those of us who committed ourselves to the left, whatever that means, these are great days not because of what Obama will do, but because of what he will not do -- because he will normalise progressive, moderate, multilateral, modernised politics in the US and in the western world, and that is the context in which we will work.

If you want to see some graciousness in that moment, read (sections of) the US conservative press. If you want to read bitterness and incomprehension about it, read Albrechtsen and Sheridan in The Oz today.

For the rest of us it is tears and laughter, laughter and tears. For all the people I've marched with, argued with, whatever, this is a moment. I have no compunction at all about feeling part of this in however distant a manner. For the right, globally, you will have to reinvent yourselves. You are the Whigs in the 1850s. You are about to cease to exist.

Tears and laughter and laughter and tears.

Election prediction - *fingers crossed*

Even more Pol-LOLs

Ok, this is the last lot - just in case this is the last of Sarah Palin both an appealing concept though one in which the LOLs are harder to come by. And we'll see much less Tina Fey. Vote, then wait, then celebrate!

Hope for Change

It's almost time for the US election. I'm nervous as all hell - more than is possibly reasonable given I'm not a US citizen and don't have any particular bond with the US of A. Still, in the spirit of hope and ROFLing I present my last selection of campaign LOLs from Pundit Kitchen. You should do the same!

For a good cause

This Saturday I'll be volunteering at the Sydney Food and Wine Fair. It's at Hyde Park from noon to 5pm - get there either very early or very late if you do not care to queue and coupon purchases go to the very worthy AIDS Trust of Australia. The restaurants offering up grub are some of the nicest and fanciest in Sydney including Cafe Sydney, Quay and Guillaume at Bennelong. And if you need more incentive, here's a review of the fair in 2006 with scrumptious pictures.

It's obviously genetic

My little brother will this weekend be doing the 2008 MS bike ride from Wollongong to Sydney. It's a 90km ride. I think that sounds like quite a long way. He and his best friend will be doing the ride together treating it as a pedalling pub crawl. There was even talk of next year doing it on a tandem bicycle.

Love it. Wish I'd thought of it first.

New methods of campaigning

The latest American election has seen some new and super innovative ways of candidates communicating with supporters (like Barack on Twitter) and the public showing their support.

My favourite development is Yes We Carve - making Halloween 'Barack O'Lantern's'. Too too good.

Surprising

Apparently the Oporto vegie burger sans mayo is vegan. I am surprised. Also - 3am drunken snacking here I come!

Mixed metaphors in Austria: Jörg's demise

There is clearly something lost in translation in this comment on Jörg Haider's death and the subsequent visits in preparation for the service:

'"We wanted the kids to feel the enormity of the occasion. After all, he is our Lady Di and this is our 9/11,"says Anton Krem, 45.'

Eh?

The truth is apparently also insulting:

'In the Pumpe pub on Benediktiner Platz in Klagenfurt, drinkers sit around whispering about how Haider died. The figure "142" is repeated often. That is the speed (in kilometres an hour) at which he was driving when he crashed his VW Phaeton on Saturday night. The news has by now filtered down that he was drunk at the wheel.

"Some say he was criminal because he was drunk, but that's an insult," says Christa, a 17-year-old who was among the country's new young voters (the voting age is 16), who gave her support to Haider's BZO in elections two weeks ago. "He did so much for everyone."

And therefore couldn't be drunk? Teutonic logic has obviously not extended into Austria.

Also - there seems to be some inevitable rule that the more conservative a politician is the more likely he is to die returning from a gay bar under the influence of drugs or alcohol. I'm just sayin'...